3 Ways to Tame Your Temper

After I transitioned from corporate America in 2013, I began teaching a group of young students at a local job corp. This was a challenging time because I worked with several students who could not envision a life past the moment. They took no responsibility for their actions and in fact blamed others for their behavior. Many acted out through fighting, cursing, and breaking the rules, which meant they were punished, restricted, or threatened with removal from the program. I spent a lot of time talking with my students on how to make better choices, how to control their emotions, and how to prepare for building relationships.

Well, experience has taught me that raging emotions are not restricted to young people. I have watched many adults act out in anger, in a business setting mind you, and still expected to be heard and respected. Imagine a professional person having an adult-sized temper tantrum when they do not get their way. If you have ever been the subject of someone’s anger or had a friend manipulate you in a way that left you uncomfortable and frustrated, you are not alone. Manipulation is a tactic many people use to avoid facing their shortcomings or to get the temporary success they want. This type of behavior is a blatant disregard for the wants, needs, and/or opinions of others. It alienates family, friends, colleagues, and can lead to resentment or retaliation. If you have difficulty minding your manners, here are three ways to self-manage your emotions, tame your temper, and improve your relationship with yourself and others.

1. Pause and Calm Down.

If you are overloaded with emotions and are frantically trying to sort through them, stop! Just STOP! Inhale then exhale slowly, several times and calm yourself down. You cannot think clearly or begin to resolve any issue if your emotions are all over the place. Take a moment to just breathe. This moment allows you to check-in with yourself and (calmly) peel back some of the layers of why you feel the way you do. Calming your anger takes focus. And it takes discipline and a willingness to accept that staying angry is counterproductive to your ideal outcome.

Negative emotions do not have to control your behavior.  You can separate the emotions that are real from those that you simply perceive real. There are times when, without valid proof, your mind will play out worst-case scenarios causing you to act as though what you fear is happening. This leads to misunderstandings. What you thought was wrong, may not be. Who you thought was against you may be an ally. The mind can quickly blow things out of proportion if you allow it to, so remaining calm helps you choose a more logical and controlled approach to the situation, and it helps you be open to every angle of the conflict, not just yours.

2. Check Your Perception.

Listen, I have been ticked off more times than I care to admit yet after I calmed myself to the point where I considered other perspectives, I stopped being angry. I realized it was not so much the situation, it was how I saw the situation. I perceived others through the lens of my ego and giving the situation more energy than it deserved. Yes, it was really that simple, so I had the blessing of choice. I could choose my view and how I wanted to see the situation, all the players involved, and how myself inside the situation. So, it is okay to feel angry or frustrated and still manage those emotions in positive ways. Stay calm enough to have a conversation and get input from others. Your influence will have a greater impact. People will want to work with your, relationships improve, and commitments are achieved. Operating in an emotionally mature state helps you become an even greater leader, communicator, and influencer.

3. Acknowledge Anger and Explore it.

Maturity comes when you stop making excuses and start making changes. —Unknown

I get it! It is not sexy to say I am scared. In fact, a few clients I worked with had a level of fear they did not want to own. They expressed anger when what they were actually feeling was fear. They were afraid of success, failure, not being accepted, or being left behind and the only way they knew how to deal with fear was through anger. In fact, most of the emotions they felt including included fear, disappointment, rejection, shame, or hurt often played out as anger. The result was donning a “Don’t mess with me or I don’t care” type of persona, when they did care, tremendously. Instead of saying, “that’s just how I am” they took responsibility for their emotions and decided to do the work necessary to change. We explored deeper and embarked on self-awareness conversations to support their courage and strength in managing emotions. As confidence grew, their fear began to fade, learning how to manage their triggers and improve their relationship with themselves and those they cared about.

Fear is a reality we do not want to admit exists and it manifests in some of the strangest ways that include frustration, anger, and even complacency; yet fear does not have to control your emotions. In fact, fear can be the motivating factor that propels your forward. Here are a few ways to unravel the cord to fear:

• Own what you are feeling. Don’t lump every emotion you have in the same bucket as anger. If you are disappointed, or scared, or frustrated, or hurt, say what you are feeling so you can address it appropriately.
• Identify and face what you are afraid of and what about “this” makes you afraid. The sooner you identify whatever “it” is, you can face it, deal with it, and bring “it” under your subjection. Doing so can lessen its impact on your emotions.
• Attack fear by using it as a motivator to push you forward and toward something you want. For instance, ask yourself how much fear is costing you by not <insert what you have not accomplished here>. That’s it! Take the energy you have invested in fear and make something positive with it.